


Holding Onto You

by wtfisgoingonanymore



Series: Whumptober 2020 contributions [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Self-Sacrifice, Whump, Whumptober 2020, hanging off a cliff, no.1 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26728696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtfisgoingonanymore/pseuds/wtfisgoingonanymore
Summary: Merlin is gone, and it was all Arthur's fault.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Whumptober 2020 contributions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945591
Comments: 16
Kudos: 93
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Holding Onto You

**Author's Note:**

> Whumptober Day 1: Let's Hang Out Sometime  
> Waking Up Restrained | Shackled | _**Hanging**_
> 
> This is my first ever festival and I am absolutely excited for it! I hope y'all enjoy.  
> I'd also like to thank @inner-egg-pong on tumblr for being such a great beta <3
> 
> This is also dedicated to everyone on the vibe house. I wouldn't have done this without any of your love and support. I'm not the best of writers, but you've given me enough courage and confidence to believe in myself and keep trying and writing. Thank you so much for being there for me and being such great friends. I love you all very much.

_Merlin was gone, and it was all Arthur's fault._

After Merlin confessed to having magic, Arthur, betrayed and hurt, sent his best friend to exile — never to come back to Camelot on the threat of death. Merlin begged and pleaded for Arthur to understand and not send him away, but Arthur would not listen. He turned his back and let his anger take over as he ended the night with the final word.

"Leave before morning, or I will light the pyre myself."

Arthur didn't get any sleep. He watched from his window as Merlin got on a horse with what little stuff he had. Even from a distance and in the dark of night, Arthur could see Merlin crying and slumping in defeat. He could see Merlin turning to look straight into his window and mouthing his last apologies and goodbyes.

Arthur turned away and ignored the pain in his chest. He watched until Merlin disappeared into the trees, and only then did he finally break down.

That night, the newly crowned King of Camelot screamed the entire castle to their waking. He slashed and threw anything that reminded him of his friend. The king, along with his room, was broken due to the raw dry anger that emanated that night.

A day after Merlin's departure, Arthur was a wreck and succumbed to letting the council take charge for the time being. A week after, Arthur was a shell of his old self — never smiling, never showing any emotion, and focused only on his work. An entire month later, a letter arrived that finally snapped Arthur out of his trance. 

"Dear Arthur,

I understand you might not want to be hearing from me right now, but this may be the last time I could tell you everything I was not able to say to you then. Arthur Pendragon, you are and always will be the greatest friend I could ever have, and the greatest king I could ever serve. You are kind and fair, and I believe truly in the kingdom that you will bring about. I'm sorry for lying to you about who I am. At first, it was because of fear for my life, but it soon became about you — as everything is always about you. I did not want to make you choose between Camelot or me. I told you that night because I could not hide it any longer — especially when I felt that something between us was beginning to spark. I realize now that I was most likely wrong; I'm sorry for assuming. I do wish to say it here though since I know nothing could ever happen. 

My dearest dollopheaded clotpole king, I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. You are my other half, my soulmate, my destiny. There is nothing I cherish more in this world than you. Everything I am and everything I do, I do it for you. My magic and I are for you and only you. I once said that I was born to serve you, but now I realized that it is so much more than that. I was born for you, Arthur - to have, to hold, to love, and to protect. You are my destiny, my love, my greatest king. If there is anything that you take from this letter, I hope it is this. 

I hope this letter gets to you safe, Arthur. I hope that I wasn't too late. I have tracked down Morgana and plan to take her down myself as my final duty to Camelot. This way, you are safest. I have entrusted Gwaine and Gaius to handle the case of the traitor. 

I wish you well, my love, my dearest royal prat. I hope you have a long rule ahead. Always remember that you are the best king Camelot will ever see. Trust in yourself and your decisions. You are a great man who cares for his people — never forget that. If you feel like you aren't doing well, do not fret. I assure you that you are. That's just the kind of man you are. Keep the knights and Gwen close — they are your dearest friends. Your favorite tunic is the blue one, and you put one arm in and then the other before the head. Don't forget to make sure it is properly untucked both front and back. I believe in you, Arthur, and I will always love you. Please take care of yourself. Love yourself and trust in yourself as I do you. 

Thank you for giving me a home — a place by your side where I felt like I truly belonged. You've changed so much since I met you, and I am so proud of you Arthur. 

Don't be too much of a royal prat, alright?

All the love from your dear friend and manservant,

Merlin of Camelot."

The paper in Arthur's hands saw newer fresher tears mixing in with the dried ones of Merlin's. Arthur had to set the paper aside before it would fall apart completely. 

'I'm an idiot. I'm an idiotic royal prat.' was the first proper thought he had in a month as he raced to Gwaine's chambers as fast as possible. When he opened the door, it barely shook him to see Gwaine pointing a sword to his uncle's chest.

That didn't matter at all right now. The only thought in his head was to find Merlin and get him back as quickly as possible. He needed Merlin back. He needed his best friend. He needed the person he loved most in the world. Or else how else was he supposed to breathe?

Arthur grabbed Gwaine's sword in a matter as if it was a simple routine — no thinking needed to be done. He pressed it against Agravaine's neck and looked at him blankly yet threateningly. Arthur was not in the mood for games.

"Where is Morgana?" His voice came out so cold and low, that Gwaine couldn't suppress the shiver down his spine.

"Sire, I have no idea what you're-"

"Where is Morgana's hideout or so help me I will bring you close enough to death that you'd wish I had gone all the way" The blade pierced his uncle's skin just enough to draw blood and make him wince. Years of being stabbed made Arthur realize that the slower a blade goes against your skin, the more it hurts. That was exactly what he planned to do to his traitorous uncle.

It took a while -his uncle was a stubborn man. In the end, Arthur got the answer out of him and he got on his horse and rose as fast as he could to his Merlin.

_By the time he got there, Arthur was too late._

Arthur moved past the limp body of Morgana and rushed to the edge of the cliff where he saw Merlin's hands clinging tightly to the edge. 

"Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed as he rushed to hold onto Merlin's hands. He tried to pull him up, but Arthur felt Merlin's hand slipping with every pull. 

Merlin turned his head up to him and smiled lightly. Merlin's soft smooth skin was full of cuts and bruises that truly had no place to be there. "Arthur..." He whispered softly, "what are you doing here?"

"I'm here 'cause you're a self-sacrificing idiot who seems to long for death." Arthur snapped as he struggled to hold the rope up

"Morgana's still alive," Merlin spoke, "I took her magic away for good, but I think she has a dagger somewhere."

"I don't care about that, you idiot! Help me get you out of there." Arthur felt his voice cracking as he kept his grip tight.

"My magic is too weak, Arthur, and so am I." It was true, and Arthur hated it. Merlin was so much thinner than when he last saw him. All that muscle he gained over the years was gone and now he was even thinner than he was when he first arrived from Ealdor. 

"No. I refuse to lose you, Merlin. I...I want you to come back. You can come back and be my manservant and we'll talk about everything and I'll repeal the magic ban for you."

"For me?"

"Yes! Yes yes, all for you. Please help me. I can't hold on much longer."

"Arthur… I can't. I really can't. There's a reason I sent you that letter."

"Merlin, please.”

"Arthur, you have to let me go."

"Merlin, no! Stop that. You're not dying. You are staying awake and helping me with this."

"There's nothing more we can do, Arthur."

"No! There's got to be something — Merlin, I can't lose you."

"You will be okay, Arthur. You're a great ki-"

"NO I'M NOT!!" Arthur let out a choked angry sob. "I'm not a great king, Merlin — especially not without you. You're the one who makes me great, and I can't lose that. You're my whole world, my love, my destiny, my greatest friend. I love you, Merlin. I love you too and you need to help me out and live for me. I love you. You’re my Merlin, and I love you." Arthur wasn’t as good with words as Merlin. He couldn’t think of much to say either.

"As you are mine, Arthur. But there is nothing we can do. I've used too much. I've taken too much."

"Merlin, please. Please, I beg of you. Use your magic! It's for me, right? I want you to use it right now to save yourself."

"Arthur, I love you."

_Merlin's hands were slipping more and more._

"Merlin, no-"

"I love you with all my heart. I thank you with all my heart."

"Merlin, please. Your magic."

"You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You are the greatest king the world will ever see."

_Arthur couldn't hold on._

"Merlin, as your king, I order you to use your magic to save yourself."

"I love you, Arthur Pendragon, with all my heart. And I **will** see you again."

"Merlin, Merlin, No!" 

Arthur yelled in anguish as he lost his grip and watched his friend fall with one final wide fond smile. He dropped to his knees as he watched the love of his life disappear into the trees. 

And Arthur mourned like he'd never mourned before. He cried like he'd never cried before. He yelled and screamed in pain at the death of his other half — screaming at the gods to bring him back. This was anger much different from Merlin's confession. This was wet anger full of tears and loss and hurt so deep that his very being bleeds in sorrow.

_He failed his friend._

None of this would have happened if Arthur didn't send him away if Arthur didn't take too much time with Agravaine if Arthur rode fast enough if Arthur waited for Gwaine's help if Arthur pulled stronger if Arthur held on tighter if Arthur just did things right.

_Merlin was gone, and it was all Arthur's fault._


End file.
